(This feature first appeared in the Fall 1998 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)

Send your questions to AskOphelia@hotmail.com or mail them to The Bastard Quarterly, 454 Las Gallinas # 199, San Rafael, CA 94903 Attn. "Ask Ophelia" and we will pass them on via email.

Dear Ophelia,

I have seven grandchildren and only two of them are bastards. The grownups were all sitting around the table the other night talking about Bastard Nation and one of the kids asked me what a bastard was.

I told her and mentioned that she was a bastard just like grandma (her mother blanched.) This has caused a lot of discontent amongst the other kids since they can’t be like gramma too.

What shall I do now?

Alarmed in Alaska

Dearest Alarmed,

To begin with, you must bear some responsibility for the non-bastard status of your children and the other five grandchildren. Had you raised your family with any sense of decency, they would all be Bastards. However, since they are not, nor can they ever be Bastards, I would advise you to still treat them with love, respect and understanding. Everyone knows that the Bastards among them are superior by far to the rest, but if you keep your preference for the Bastard grandkids under control, the rest of them may eventually recover from the trauma of this discovery. I might suggest that you make an attempt at smoothing over the situation by purchasing Friend of Bastard Nation memberships in Bastard Nation for the non-Bastard family members. You can help them feel better about their inferior birth status and support your favorite organization all in one fell swoop.

Dear Ophelia,

My husband says he’s sick and tired of seeing so many Bastard Nation-related expenses on our credit card each month. I have promised to cut back, but now I’m in serious debt myself. I can’t help it - I have a Bastard Nation habit! Is there any hope for me? Is there a low cost-high-efficiency way for me to help BN without going broke? Thanks.

-Broke in Brighton

Dear Broke,

Unfortunately, there is no 12-step program in place for your Bastard Nation habit, nor would I recommend one. The problem is not you. The problem is the miserly nature of your husband. If he can’t afford to keep up with the costs of Bastard Nation on his current salary, he needs to get a second job (or a third if necessary.) I do not recommend that you yourself try to become employed to help pay off these debts, as your time is much better spent engaged in activities which support and promote Bastard rights. If you have children, you might consider seeing if Kathie Lee Gifford has a clothing factory in your area. Put the little darlings to work for a good cause.

Miss Ophelia B. Curvacioux was born on the Upper East Side of New York City and adopted by a genteel and well-heeled family within two weeks of her relinquishment.

Although aware from young childhood of her adoptive status, Miss OBC felt no desire to seek out her birth family. After graduating from a private boarding school in Switzerland, she had her debut in New York City. All the young men and women of good family were in attendance and the event was widely covered in the national press. She then attended Radcliffe and double-majored in Communications and Women's studies. It was during this period that she became aware of the execrable treatment of adopted persons by the United States Government. She became interested in doing her family genealogy, and was denied a request for her original birth certificate.

Miss OBC has long been an advocate of adoptee rights. She is a former card-carrying AAC member and was delighted when Bastard Nation exploded onto the adoption reform scene. She immediately tore her AAC membership into small pieces and mailed it to Jane Nast. She has changed her will to make Bastard Nation the sole beneficiary of her somewhat large fortune when she leaves this world for greener pastures. She now offers her impeccable gentilesse and wordly experience to the citizens of Bastard Nation in the form of the advice column "Ask Ophelia."

(This feature first appeared in the Fall 1998 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)

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