(This feature first appeared in the Fall 1999 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)

Send your burning Bastard questions to AskOphelia@hotmail.com and she just might answer them here in the her Bastard Quarterly column!.

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Dear Ophelia,

I've been having the strangest dreams lately: Unnatural sexual acts with lots of different people, lots of drugs and I think there may have even been some farm animals involved. Am I sick? Am I crazy?

Sincerely,

Scared.

Dear Scared,

No, according to soon-to-be former Director of the NCFA, Bill Pierce, you may be a birthmother. Take two aspirin and send your resume to the "National Council For Adoption" (NCFA) headquarters in Washington, DC. This organization, as I understand it, is searching for a new Director.

a a a

Dear Ophelia:

Since I have become involved in open records activism, I find that a some of my friends and family no longer want to start discussions with me. I always turn the topic to adoptee civil rights, and they say they’re tired of hearing about it. I have an uncle who disagrees with me so vigorously that at the last family reunion, we got into a shouting match and he left in a huff! I care about open records, but I don't want to lose my family. What should I do?

A Bastard

Gentle Bastard,

Friends and family may have difficulty understanding our passionate embrace of the Cause. Those who have not lived the Bastard Moment look on with consternation as our hearts and minds turn to the plight of adoptees everywhere who are living lives as second-class citizens, denied their most basic rights. When you have done all you can to teach your loved ones about adoptee rights, you will find that some, like your uncle, will turn a deaf ear to all you say, regardless. They have some inner emotional blockage that prohibits them from ever being able to understand why adoptee rights are crucial to you. No argument, however logical and well-presented, will sway them from their insupportable and inherently incorrect position that adoptees don't deserve the same rights as others.

Get rid of these losers as soon as possible. Do not invite them to family dinners. Ignore them. Shun them from all family activities until they see the error of their ways and repent, preferably on bended knee and with tear-stained faces. I suggest that if your family members cannot tolerate your profound and well-spoken treatises that you avoid spending holidays with them. Instead, spend the more important days of the year with the people that understand you best: your fellow Bastards. I promise you will never be alone. Bastards are everywhere. Go, find the Bastards in your community. Convert new Bastards if necessary. Refuse to sit in the back of the bus any longer! Turn your Bastard Moment into a Bastard Nation Moment!

J J J

Dear Ophelia,

I heard there is going to be a Bastard Nation Conference in Atlantic City. I really want to come, but I don’t really think I
can afford it! Plus, I’m really shy and afraid of crowds. What do you think I should do?

Signed,

Wimpy Bastard

Gentle Wimp,

Get your Bastard patootie to Atlantic City on the double! Take out a second mortgage if you think finances are going to be a problem. If you’re already groaning under the weight of mortgage obligations or if you rent, I would suggest cutting out any unnecessary spending between now and October 8th so that you have enough money to attend. Think of how much money you can save by not buying gasoline after you sell your car for airfare. When you go to the grocery store, consider carefully whether the items you are tossing into your shopping cart are truly necessary. Are you certain that you need that dental floss? Toss out the Chilean salmon and the apricot chipotle and take home some ground round instead. Consider the advantages of bread and water. There goes that little weight problem, and you’ve saved enough for your hotel room!

As to your difficulty with shyness, I think that we can easily solve that problem in one easy word: Jell-o. I promise you – two minutes in the Jell-o pit against worthy Bastard opponents and you will finally be in touch with your powerful, tenacious, aggressive inner Bastard! Finally understanding your own strength and power, you will be able to face down your fears and march proudly at any demonstration. Someday in the near future, you may even find yourself ready to present a rousing call to arms or lead your fellow activists in a chant.

Miss Ophelia B. Curvacioux was born on the Upper East Side of New York City and adopted by a genteel and well-heeled family within two weeks of her relinquishment.

Although aware from young childhood of her adoptive status, Miss OBC felt no desire to seek out her birth family. After graduating from a private boarding school in Switzerland, she had her debut in New York City. All the young men and women of good family were in attendance and the event was widely covered in the national press. She then attended Radcliffe and double-majored in Communications and Women's Studies. It was during this period that she became aware of the execrable treatment of adopted persons by the United States government. She became interested in doing her family genealogy, and was denied a request for her original birth certificate.

Miss OBC has long been an advocate of adoptee rights. She is a former card-carrying AAC member and was delighted when Bastard Nation exploded onto the adoption reform scene. She immediately tore her AAC membership into small pieces and mailed it to Jane Nast. She has changed her will to make Bastard Nation the sole beneficiary of her somewhat large fortune when she leaves this world for greener pastures. She now offers her impeccable gentilesse and wordly experience to the citizens of Bastard Nation in the form of the advice column "Ask Ophelia."

(This feature first appeared in the Fall 1999 of the Bastard Quarterly.)

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