Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief

by Evelyn Burns Robinson

Clova Publications, March 2000

Book Review by Mirah Riben

In a mere 200 pages Robinson gives us two books: one, an unabashed autobiography by a birthmother. In the other a social worker takes a critical look at adoption. Both straightforwardly present an inarguable, albeit controversial, conclusion.

Birthmothers will be endeared to Robinson for unapologetic statements such as: “Once you have given birth you are that child’s mother and you will always be that child’s mother, no matter what. Being a mother never ends; it is never in the past. There is no such thing as an ‘ex-mother’.” Despite the astute observation that “unmarried women do not create children, unmarried couples create children….” Robinson’s concern with birth, and the subsequent loss of a child to adoption, is as a woman’s issue. Points are presented with novel approaches such as likening birthmothers “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t” treatment to a witch hunt in which “If they survived, then that proved that they were, in fact, witches…If they didn’t survive, then that proved that they were innocent – but dead, of course.”

Without ever referring to “sealed” or “open records” much less “civil rights,” Robinson gives this fresh and simple approach: “Parents who raise their own natural children are unable to make decisions for them once they [are adults]. The state should be no different; the state should have no right to restrict information on behalf of people who are legally adults.” She then goes outside the mainstream box in which American adoption reform operates, stating: “There is no justification for denying natural mothers information regarding the current identities and whereabouts of their adult children, just because they were prevented from raising those children to adulthood.”

While well written and able to hold the reader’s attention like a good novel, I failed to see how her brutally honest (albeit self-indulgent) personal history added to the book, and fear it might in fact be used to fan the flames of negative stereotypes about uncaring birthmothers. I was also surprised that with the exception of international adoption, Robinson writes as if most of the ills of adoption are in the past. Perhaps this is the case in South Australia, where Robinson currently resides, but this position runs contrary to her overall goal to abolish adoption as we know it. And, although recognizing assisted conception a “big business” I was disappointed to see no similar declaration about the industrialization and commercialization of adoption.

These exceptions notwithstanding, all those interested in humanizing adoption need to read this book. We need to think outside the box, to open our minds to the possibilities. Is it not possible to simply reverse what has only existed in this nation for a century or so? Is it not possible to follow an already existing model within the 50 states? Hawaii’s system of Hanai is exactly what Robinson proposing – permanent care for children without the elimination of their identities and their past. For many of us it is hard to “hear” this position because of the radical presentation of anti-adoptionists. Perhaps it is because the government of New Zealand has already considered abolishing adoption and replacing it with a system of “legal parenthood” that allows Robinson to present such an option - unthinkable here in the states - in a calm, clear, and matter-of-fact manner. Or perhaps it is simply a matter of semantics: abolish vs. humanize. Whatever the reason, Robinson admirably and impressively gives this option legitimate expression in a logical fashion making this book an important addition to any adoption library and reformists' reading list. Sane solution or radical fanaticism? Read it and decide for yourself.

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Mirah Riben is author of Shedding light on the Dark Side of Adoption (http://adoptbook.freeyellow.com) and has been active in the movement to reform, humanize and de-commercialize American adoption practices since 1979. A lifetime member of Bastard Nation, she is former member of the Board of Directors of the American Adoption Congress, and co-founder of Origins, a New Jersey-based national organization for women who have lost children to adoption. She has guest lectured at Rutgers University; was an invited speaker at the 7th Annual NJ Research Conference on Women; and has appeared on television as an expert, including the Joan Rivers show discussing the Steinberg/Nussbaum murder of their illegally adopted child. Ms. Riben is the mother of four, one of whom was lost to adoption shortly after birth and is now deceased.

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(This feature appeared in the Winter 2001 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)