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The
BirthMother as Professional Victim DISCLAIMER: Please note that the birth mothers I'm referring to here are the ones who were young, unmarried, and placed their infants immediately after birth. I *do* recognize that some women may have experienced rape or other forms of non-consensual sex, and some women had children removed from them by courts. This isn't about them. I'll share my complaint...birth mothers who claim Victim status. It really ticks me off to hear them go on and on about how blameless they are. The poor dears couldn't help that they had sex, couldn't help that they got pregnant, couldn't help that they got dumped by their child's father, couldn't help that they couldn't support their child, couldn't help that they had to give up the baby. Then, there are those who say they had "no choice" and just couldn't keep the baby in the face of all that pressure. Oh, boo hoo. We women HAVE CHOICES. For the most part, we MAKE CHOICES... choices to become sexually active, choices about with whom to be sexually active, choices about being honest with people about our sexuality, choices about accepting responsibility for our actions, choices about which consequences of our actions are more tolerable than others to live with. All this denial of responsibility is baloney. Sex doesn't "just happen" any more than a meal "just pops out of the oven!" We think about sex when we're kids. We wonder what it is like to be kissed, to be caressed, to make love. We also hear stories and rumors about girls who have "done it" and what happened to them. Our moms tell us that sex is not for kids, and we indignantly state that we're not "kids!" Then we find ourselves in the back seat of some guy's car and we don't say, "No!" It didn't "just happen!" It was happening all the way along! By NOT making positive choices, we made negative ones. It's that simple. But, its what happens AFTER we don't say no the first time that causes the real problems. Few of us can accurately claim that we didn't understand that sex leads to babies. Strip away the false excuses and self-protective denials, and we'll admit that we knew what we were doing was "wrong"..."dangerous"..."foolish"... I'm not talking biblical morality here (although I believe in it). I'm talking cultural mores, family values, and personal integrity. And in order to view ourselves as NOT being wrong or foolish, we make excuses about our actions being everyone else's fault when we should be acknowledging that we were active participants, and that our actions have consequences. Those consequences have changed from era to era, I'll grant you, but the choices haven't. If we choose to have sex, we risk pregnancy. If we become pregnant, we either carry the child or, because of abortion or miscarriage, we don't. If we carry the child, we either parent the child or have someone else do it! That's IT. Those are the choices! Many of us disobeyed our parents in order to date a guy they didn't like, and we certainly "disobeyed" by having sex with him, and now, all of the sudden, we want to be a "good girl" and do what our parents tell us to do???? I don't think so! I can respect birth mothers who say, "I made choices...some good, some bad, some selfish, and some not so selfish. Even though I wish I'd done some things differently, I can't change the past so I'll have to go on from here..." I don't want these women to beat themselves up for the rest of their lives, but, likewise, I wish THE OTHER ONES would quit whining about how powerless they were!!! They would actually GAIN power if they would own up to their own responsibility in the matter! Are there angry adoptees out here? Oh, yes, but we keep it hidden to be PC. There is MORE that enough anger in adoption. This particular adoptee is tired of being angry. My anger has gotten me nowhere. Does it exist? Yes. Do I vent it? Occasionally, when I think it's safe to do so. Do I do my best to live beyond the anger? Yeah. Do I work to forgive my own birth mother? Yeah. Do I succeed? eehhh~~ Why don't more of us express it? Because it's "dirty laundry" and we don't air it in public, maybe...I don't know... I think I don't vent it publicly more often because it is exhausting to discuss it, and having once said everything, I don't have the energy to fend off all the anger my statements may generate in others. Also, like those who say they have "no anger issues," I resent people trying to tell me that my anger is "misdirected" or that I "just don't understand all the circumstances... " I think I do understand. Not only was I born to an unmarried mother, but I was pregnant and unmarried, myself, at age seventeen. My anger is toward ALL birth mothers who claim Victim status because they are so vocal, and there IS strength in numbers, so their position generates its own gravity and attracts others to it until it gets even bigger and stronger and allows more and more victims to be created! Anomia Bogus Anomia Bogus,
meaning 'born without a first name and with a last name that's a lie,'
is the pseudonym of an adoption reform activist who searched for fifteen
years for her birth mother. When eventually located in 1996, the birth
mother refused contact. The adoptee continues to work in adoption
reform and has founded Brick Wall Survivors for those who have experienced
rejection in their reunion efforts. For more info on Brick Wall Survivors,
visit http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BrickWallSurvivors
(This feature appeared in the Summer 2001 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.) Copyright 2001
Bastard Nation
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