Letter from the Editor - Summer 2001 Bastard Quarterly

Letter from the Editor

The other morning I was waiting for the summer camp bus with my sons. It was the first day of camp and the bus was late, so the mothers and kids started chatting. The subject of allowances came up and one of the boys, whom I know to be adopted, said he didn't get an allowance but rather earned money from jobs he did. Some of the other kids said they preferred getting a weekly allowance and the adopted boy, whom I'll call Sam, became defensive.

"Well, I get money several times a year from relatives and I save it in the bank for college. See, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese and I'm adopted and I'm Korean and my brother is adopted and Filipino and we have cousins who are from Burma and Cambodia so we celebrate a lot of Asian holidays and get a lot of money on them."

We were all a bit bowled over by this impassioned, confessional tirade, but duly impressed, and the other kids just said "coool" in a hushed, awed tone and shut up after that. Before the subject could change I had to interject, "I'm adopted, too." The mothers smiled awkwardly and said, "That's very nice." Sam looked at me and smiled.

Later in the week Sam's parents invited my family out to dinner with another family, also with adopted children. I haven't spent much time around adopted kids, but I've been very impressed by all I hear about adoptive parents making sure their kids develop relationships with other adopted kids. When I was a kid I didn't know any other adoptees. I was intrigued by the prospect of hanging out with four proud little adoptees. All of them were adopted domestically, Sam's family in closed adoptions, the other in open adoptions, one of which was still open, the other of which had failed due to the birth parents not remaining in contact. They were all "good kids," friendly, seemingly well-adjusted and obviously very much loved by their adoptive parents.

During the course of dinner Sam's mother told the other parents that I was adopted and involved in the adult adoptee rights movement. The other parents started talking about their attempts at keeping their kids' adoptions open, how they were sad that one had failed, and how the main complaint they heard from their kids was that when they told others they were adopted, people tended to ask them about their "real" parents. Soon after, I went over to the older kids' table and asked them about people giving them grief over being adopted. I was very happy to learn that the only negative reaction these ten- year-olds had heard was the annoying and persistent questioning about their "real" parents. "Like my parents are fake or something. It really bugs me. Otherwise when I tell people that I'm adopted they think it's cool." Sam concurred.

This made me feel that Adam Pertman's Adoption Nation really was coming to pass. People really are raising their children to be honest about being adopted, and there are more people out there supporting us in being matter-of-fact, if not proud, of our complex heritage. An adopted person is no longer some awkward anomaly to be tiptoed around and whispered about. It's "cool" to be adopted, if even a bit unreal…

To be honest though, this is only one end of the spectrum. People continue to adopt in fully closed adoptions, sometimes to suit the adoptive parents, sometimes to suit the birth parents. People who initially adopt in open adoptions may find that they themselves flee into secrecy, or the birth parents eventually do. Parents continue to project their own insecurities and shame issues onto adoptees, just as they might onto their biological kin. There are people who adopt internationally to avoid "meddling birthparents," and some don't care where the child came from so long as it is white enough to pass as kin. People have lied and will continue to lie about an adoptee's provenance, even unto the adoptee's adulthood, all in the name of "protecting the child." These are human issues that cannot be legislated, although I personally I think it should be a crime not to tell someone they are adopted, at least upon reaching the age of majority.

Education and public awareness are the keys to helping people feel comfortable enough with adoption that they can speak about it and not be afraid of people questioning their validity, their 'realness' as parents or as human beings. Don't be afraid to tell people you or your children are adopted. Chances are they will think it is "cool" and you may be giving someone the opportunity to speak about their own experience with adoption. In any case you will be helping to validate and normalize adoptees and people of complex heritage.

I use the term "people of complex heritage" to mean adoptees, but not only adoptees. Bastards who have no idea who their fathers are, people born of gamete donation, surrogacy, and even regular old transracial and transethnic folks: all share a heritage that is more complex (and in many cases arguably richer) than the standard-bearer "legitimate" child of only two (YAAAAAWN - forgive me) biological parents. Personally, I feel sorry for people who don't have adoption in their family. I guess if you don't know what you're missing, or at least wonder about what you're missing…

This Spectrum Issue is far from perfect, far from comprehensive. The vast majority of people who responded to my call for submissions are white folks who were adopted in North America as infants. Most of the submissions I received were regarding search, reunion, and personal philosophy. I tried to represent a cross-section of those submissions. If there is a perspective missing here (and I know there are many), please write to me about it. I would like to see future issues dedicated to transracial adoptees, people who grew up in foster care, people born from gamete donation (and reproductive technology issues in general), and the coming-of-age of the next generation of adoptees from China, India, Eastern Europe, Ethiopia and elsewhere. An issue dedicated to adoptees who have adopted would also be enlightening. If you have an idea for an article or issue, please send it to me!

Hope to see you in New Orleans this fall.

Damsel Plum

Editor, The Bastard Quarterly

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(This feature appeared in the Summer 2001 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)