In a bold move unheard of in the adoption world, long-time adoption activist, L. Anne Babb, in an attempt to once again leave her unique mark on the adoption circle, has adopted herself. "It seemed like the right thing to do," she said in a recent phone interview from her Oklahoma home. "I had just returned from an evening of choir practice and cow-tipping when it just dawned on me."

She went on to say, "But I vow that I will have great respect for myself. If I were kind enough to take me in I will certainly not risk hurting my feelings by searching for me. I was promised total confidentiality from myself and I’m not one to break a verbal contract. Even to me."

Will Ann tell herself of her adoption?

"Oh, no," says Ann. "I don’t need to know that. What if I find out something unpleasant? I’m my mother and that’s all I need to know."

How Deliciously Dastardly! Mums the word! DQ

THE PAINFUL REALITY OF THE PRIMAL PAPERCUT
by Dr. Leera Lipshitz

There is a terrible affliction that is striking terror into the lives of us all, and turning otherwise law-abiding, mild mannered adoptees into RAGING KILLERS and crashing bores at parties. I speak, of course, of the dreaded "Primal Paper Cut". Since I am a therapist who works with Triads (no, NOT Triffids - that was a ‘50’s Sci-Fi movie!) and my case load was dwindling due to the fact that my words of wisdom put everyone to sleep - it was a great good fortune to my bankroll (uh, I mean to The World) that I was the first to discover this awful syndrome. And I am the only one who can treat it! (Cash, certified checks, and credit cards accepted).

How, you may ask, do adoptees incur this evil curse, and how can it be cured? My two hours of research in back issues of the Weekly World News and the National Enquirer found in a dumpster behind my office, have led me to conclude that ripping that original birth certificate out of the chubby little hands of babies about to be adopted, so that it can be sealed away, leaves them with a psychic wound that only a psychic (call 1-900-BULLSHIT) can cure! Oh yeah, and they miss their mama too, even when she is a drugged-out whore who tried to kill them! Tragically enough, most adoptees are not even aware that they suffer from this affliction, until I point it out to them.

What are the signs? Depression, anger, alienation, vague existential angst, difficulty in relationships, the Heartbreak of Psoriasis... Do you see YOURSELF here? Then you should be seeing ME, and paying my hefty fees to fix you! Never mind working for civil rights or human dignity for adopted adults - you are just a poor itty widdle baby with a big bad primal paper cut, and you need to let Mama kiss it to make it ALL BETTER! (Kisses $20 and WAY up, depending where your paper cut is. If you are a handsome young male, that price is negotiable.)

If not treated by me, the results for you, the sucker (er...I mean client) could be disastrous. Male adoptees usually become serial killers, rapists, racists, cannibals, postal workers, perverts or sometimes even (shudder) adoption attorneys or politicians! Female adoptees become anorexics, 300 hundred pound sumo wrestlers, barfing bulimics, celebrity stalkers, drunks, suicides, writers of bad poetry, or The Blind Date From Hell! It could happen to YOU!!

What is the treatment for The Primal Paper Cut? Regression is the ticket - at one of my famous week-long retreats at the "Son Of Sam Memorial Treatment Center and Grill", conveniently located in my house (a nifty tax write-off). For only $5000, you get treated to a week of being fed with a baby bottle (handsome young men may enquire about the natural feeding option), sleep in a crib, and wear diapers (bring your own changer - some things EVEN I won’t do for money)! At the end of the week, you will be gibbering and simpering like an idiot - but your Primal Paper Cut will be gone, and you will be ready for your new life as one of my drooling long-term clients (at $200 per session per week, until terminal pecuniary failure sets in, or your insurance runs out, at which time you are declared cured). That should keep my Mercedes payments up to date and your emotional problems nicely in check!

Call Dr. Leera Lipshitz today at 1-900 BULLSHIT before it is too late... and visit my website, www.bloodywound.org, for a complete list of my books and products for the Primally Wounded: Dr. Leera Adult Adoptee Diapers, Dr. Leera Adoptee Gruel, Dr. Leera Snake Oil, and my soon-to-be best-selling book "The Primal Paper Cut: A Trauma For You, A Goldmine For Me!"

Dr. Leera Lipshitz, Ph.D. (the best you can buy through the mail from the Acme Correspondence School and Explosives Works) L.C.S.W. (licensed cat shit wiper) and L.M.F.T. (large malevolent fat toady) "The Ultimate Adoption Expert"

(These features first appeared in the Winter 1999 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)

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