(Onward, Bastard Soldiers column)

This is an archive of the original Bastard Quarterly newsletter, edited by Damsel Plum and Charles Filius. It was published in print and on the web between 1997 and 2002.

("Onward, Bastard Soldiers" is regular column dedicated to adoptee rights activism.)

ONWARD, BASTARD SOLDIERS!

What it Takes to Lobby: Reflections of a Bastard Activist

by Carolyn Evaine Shaw

(This article first appeared in the Fall 1997 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)

When I first began volunteering as an activist for Bastard Nation, I was terrified. I first heard about Bastard Nation at ISRR RegDay in November. I joined the organization in December, and was called upon for Bastard service in late January, before I even knew much about what I had just jumped into. I had NO idea what kind of experiences this effort would bring. I had no idea that the cause for open records would consume my mind. I did not know how the whole experience would change me forever. All I did know was that a legislator was needed in Texas to sponsor a proposed open records bill, and once that sponsor was found, the rest of the lawmakers would need to be educated on adoptee rights.

As I began to make rounds at the Capitol in Austin, each positive response I received made me feel infinitely justified. Each tiny or huge roadblock I met would add fuel to the fire inside of me that was burning all falsehood out of my life and leaving raw truth in its wake. At other times these roadblocks would bring a sense of soul-weariness to me that would stay with me for a few days. The ignorance of supposedly educated people could make me feel morally superior. The Texas Governor's threat of a veto could alternately enrage me or plunge me into despair. The compromising attitudes of some members of the adoption reform movement could make my stomach churn. The passionate support that I received from other adoption reformers would send me soaring into the heights. I became more and more confrontational, irreverent, witty and analytical all at once. I learned to schmooze without telling a lie. My fear of not being heard began to abate, while I developed a healthy disgust for those who would not listen. I have never had a more intense experience in my entire life.

Quickly, any adoptee issue (sounds like leprosy, doesn't it?) that I had not already fully addressed demanded my attention. The grief and unanswered queries surrounding my birthfather's suicide washed over me in periodic tidal waves. I revisited the question of whether my birthmother had asked her husband to tell me (on my birthday) to never call again or whether he acted on his own. I began to wonder if I would ever find my birthmother's (an adoptee herself) birthfamily without her help. Probably anything that could be labeled an adoptee issue: abandonment, sex, control, hit me with full force. I had been taught that you must die to yourself in order to live, but now I felt as if my self was dying over and over and over again. I could not tell when the living would begin or who I would be when it happened. There were nights when I was so angry at this predicament that I could not sleep, or if I did sleep, I would be dreaming about lobbying for open records and the end to shame. There were nights that I got down on my knees and absolutely begged God for release.

I was confounded that my lobbying for the civil rights of adopted persons would bring me to such a pass. There were times that I wanted to completely turn away from Bastard Nation and adoption activism. But there was always some force pushing me from behind that said "you cannot stop or turn back - you must go on with this". And there was also something pulling me forward just as Sleeping Beauty was pulled toward the spinning wheel. I could not tell whether the light at the end of the tunnel signaled freedom, victory, release, or a train.

While I was outraged that I had to deal with any of these "issues" at all, I finally began to realize that this was probably the appointed time for it in my life. I needed to face all of my real or perceived adoption problems from the perspective that I had gained through lobbying. Activism was such an empowering experience for me. Being able to say, in effect, to a legislator, "I will no longer allow you to define my reality with your laws--I will determine my own feelings about being adopted and I demand the same rights that are granted to non-adopted persons" brought freedom from this slave-bondage of adoption in a way I had not imagined. I am absolutely in awe of the sense of dignity I have gained from demanding equality rather than meekly waiting for some hapless lawmaker to take pity on me. I needed to look at my issues from the viewpoint of the woman of character that I was becoming rather than listening to the voice of the helpless adopted child that I had always been in my mind. I was not always completely successful at leaving behind the paralyzing fear that had always kept me from asking for what I wanted or what I thought I deserved, but I think I made a lot of progress towards laying down the failure's cross that I was carrying. Constantly demanding the truth in my life and about my life taught me a great deal about who I really am as a person. If adoptees are really always on a quest for identity, then I have just covered a vast territory on my journey.

On a more practical note, I acquired a better working knowledge of the governmental process than anything I might have learned in a Political Science class. My views on human nature and the "legitimate white male establishment", as I like to call it, have definitely undergone revisions. I have honed some of my diplomacy skills and learned to be more concise in my speech. I am getting better at typing up short, to-the-point soundbites of my arguments. I have learned how to survive a radio interview without expiring from nervousness. I can tell you where the best visitor's parking is, and I can navigate the crazy Capitol Extension with the greatest of ease. I have learned that I do better with male legislators and aides who want to hear the hard facts and legal ramifications, and not so well with female legislators and aides who are more interested in the emotional (sometimes weepy) side of adoption. Lobbying has been an awesome, bastardized learning experience in every aspect of my life.

As I write this, the 75th session of the Texas Legislature has a month left before it adjourns. However, the session has already come to a close for adoptee rights. Our bill has been effectively killed by a lack of interest and a threatened veto by Texas Governor George Bush, Jr. I am looking forward to getting involved in interim activities (our legislature will not meet again until 1999) such as educating, persuading, and raising a little bit of Bastard hell here in Texas. If called upon, I will do what I can to aid in the legislative battles that Bastards are fighting in other states. Although I could not have imagined myself being a lobbyist before I started this, I can't imagine not being one now. Lobbying is an intense experience, but I would urge all of you as Bastards not to miss it. It can be as fun and imaginative as you care to make it, and it will definitely be one of the most rewarding times of your life, regardless of the outcome. I can still hear the battle cry in my head: GO BASTARDS!

Carolyn Evaine Shaw is an adoptee from Texas. She has worked tirelessly to lobby legislators in Texas to support a pure open records bill and is responsible for influencing one of the main sponsors to sign onto last year's bill. Carolyn even went so far as to attend local political functions (which were also attended by Senators, Reps, and members of the Governor's staff) wearing Bastard Nation buttons so as to further the re-education effort so desperately needed on the topic of open records. Carolyn is currently pursuing a Bachelor of Social Work degree and wants to go on to grad school to get a combined MSW/JD degree and specialize in legislative activism. Carolyn is also BN's Midwest Regional Director and the leader of Bastard Records Activists of Texas (BRAT), the Texas branch of BN.

(This article first appeared in the Fall 1997 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)