You can't have your Original Birth Certificate

Reasons 177 - 182 Why You Can't Have Your Records

(These appeared in the Spring 1997 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)

177. Oh, the clerk who was holding your file followed a herd of other clerks off a cliff. It was tragic. Sorry.

178. Well now, if you'd be willing to contribute to society by signing up for our cryogenics experiment, we'd be happy to match your DNA to that of your parents. That is, when we are fully capable of it, say in, oh, 2050.

179. Records? Yes, you have reached a recording. (Click.)

180. Records? RECORDS? Excuse me, but have you heard of _recycling_, or are you not from this century?

180. Apparently you don't understand why you were adopted. Adoptees always come from parents where the mother was a slut and the father was a lay-about dog with no future. Do these sound like people who leave reliable information? I suggest your next call be to your adoptive parents, expressing how _grateful_ you are that they took you in.

181. Oh, apparently you haven't been keeping up with "Journal of Higher Education." All adoptee records are now in the hands of a sociology professor who is doing a study promoting the return of orphanages and workcamps. You're obviously another unhappy adoptee. It's people like you who confirm his theory. Perhaps if you applied for graduate school at his university and were accepted under his mentorship, you could see your records.

182. Oh yes, we sent it by pigeon to your adoptive parents a few years ago. Now, um, remember how Bert on Sesame Street loved pigeons? (You're an eternal child like the rest of the adoptees, aren't you?) Well, unfortunately, it was around the time of the Bert-and-Ernie-are-homosexuals-rumor scandal, and the delivery pigeon was shot down. Bye now.

Contributed by Gavriela Person

(These appeared in the Spring 1997 issue of the Bastard Quarterly.)