BASTARD BOOKS
Fall 1999 Catalog

Choose from this season's educational and entertaining titles from Bastard Books.

The Primal Wound Goes To Prison With Love--Heartwarming tale of a primally
wounded killer adoptee and birthfather who happen to be on the same
cellblock--and their touching May/December Death Row romance...genetic
sexual attraction with a twist!

Journey Of the Adopted Self To Ithaca--A naive young adoptee wants to go to
Miami State, but takes the wrong train and ends up at Cornell, where where
she is forced to major in Animal Husbandry. Chilling.

Teaching the Adopted Inner Child to Heel: A Guide to Training. Combines the
latest child psychology with dog training techniques to insure a REALLY
grateful adoptee.

Lost In The Adoption Triangle : Why do so many planes, boats, and mopeds
venture into the AAC Zone (the Adoption Triangle) never to be seen again?
Is it UFO abduction--or sheer boredom?? The startling answer is here!

Chicken Soup For the Adopted Soul: A collection of heartwarming stories in
which adoptees find out they are descended from genetic experiments with
domestic fowl....Hear Chicken Little's poignant existential cry, when she
finds out her mama was a Rhode Island Red--"the sky is falling..." Sure to
resonate in the hearts of every adopted chicken.

The Other Mother-In Law--true tale of adoption, polygamy, and weird
religious rituals among the Mormons

I'm OK, You're an Ungrateful Bastard: From ICTA publishing,
This self help (sic) book guides ungrateful adoptees back on the path of
righteousness, by turning their civil rights over to more government
bureaucrats, along with their VISA cards, in efforts to locate birth
relatives, that is if birth mommy gives you permission.

No Exit from Shadow Train: A group of Bastards trapped on the train to
nowhere in a never-ending Healing workshop realize they have died and gone
to hell.

Long Days Journey Into the Dark Side of Adoption--Eugene O'Neill discovers
he is adopted and not related to his dysfunctional family and rejoices, in
this autobiographical play, but then searches and finds his birthfamily are
also a bunch of failed actors, drunks, druggies, and depressives. Typically
Irish

Lethal Secrets of The Old Man and the Sea--A dirty old sailor who makes
extra rum money down at the sperm bank is made to walk the plank by a whole
town of his offspring when they discover they are all half-siblings.

Adoption: Philosophy, Experience and Kilts---Why are there so many Celtic
Bastards? This enlightening book takes a wee peek under the kilt to
discover one of the main reasons! "I don't know where ye've been, lad, but
ye've won first prize!"

Adoption: A Fistful Of Dollars--How to get a healthy white infant.
Heartwarming story of how money CAN buy happiness, and a baby that comes
with a money-back gaurantee.

Little Susie Wakes Up in The Lost and Found A first-person narrative of an
innocent date gone bad --- "Damn that Don and Phil, anyway," comments a much
older and wiser Susie.

Waiting to Forget the Twice-Born -- science fiction tale of an alien
creature that is not content with subjecting its human mother to *one*
grisly labor.

The Search for Anna Karenina -- the Bastard child of Anna and Vronsky,
internationally adopted by an American couple, returns to Russia to *track
down* her birthmother, German camera crew in tow -- finds the trail ends, alas,
on the train tracks.

Far From the Madding Adoption Triangle -- Memoirs of an ex-AAC pres., now
living in retirement in the South Seas on the interest of embezzled membership
dues.

Unlocking the Heart of Darkness of Adoption -- a six-hour re-enactment of a
CERA "Healing Workshop." Oh, the horror.

Birthbond, Crime and Punishment -- Raskolnikov becomes a Late Discovery
Adoptee and finds, to his horror, that the old woman he has killed was his
birthmother.

Orphan Voyage to the Bottom of the Belly of the Beast -- A hastily
published paperback about the events at the NCFA exorcism. Sure to
sell out quickly!

Dear Birthmother, It's Me Margaret and Sabine. Collection of letters
from adoptee Margaret to the series of women mistakenly identified as
her birthmother. This unique gift book presents each letter in it's own
sealed envelope addressed to the god-like Sabine. Is Sabine a social
worker, a PI, a CI, or just a figment of the primally wounded Margaret's
imagiation?(available only through court-order.com)

The Grinch Who Stole My OBC -- This delightful children's classic
serves as an introduction to political activism for young and old
alike. The evil Billy P (hiding behind his shadowy, easily-duped mutt
"Cyndi") slinks into Adopteeville to steal its citizens' civil rights.
But the ever alert Bastards are waiting for him...

They know his heart is not 3 times too small,
but in fact he has no heart at all.
They chant, they sing, they write letters galore,
and soon Billy P, well, he is no more.

Adoptees plan a big celebration
to honor their heros, the brave Bastard Nation.
They don their kilts and prepare the big feast,
their own brand of haggis ... bar-b-qued Belly of the Beast!

The Other Mother and the English Patient An anonymous birthmother
named C***y (sounds like "Mindy") alleges that, while under her care, a
badly burned man with no face and no name raped her. She thinks he did
not have any thumbs either, but that might have been this other guy, she
was a little loaded. She administers a lethal dose of opiates to the
alleged rapist, thereby assisting in his suicide. She then leads the
State of Oregon in an historic initiative to assert her right to
assisted suicide, then turns around and sues the State of Oregon for her
right to remain anonymous. She is supposed to be deposed by phone, but
she isn't home when the lawyer calls and the next door neighbor answers
and is mistakenly deposed instead. Read C***y's equally confusing
sequel: "Out of the Shadows".

Bury My Heart at a Woundy AAC Workshop, D. Brown's historic essays
chronicle a vanishing tribe. In the beginning of this decade, the AAC
were a flourishing people, but nasty weather and broken promises
compromised their integrity, taking them past the brink of extinction.

Giving Away Simone de Beauvoir's Underwear...An account of Sotheby's
historic auction of Simone de Beauvoir's underwear. When a rumor spreads
that the certificate of the underwear's true origins have been
falsified, the bidding abruptly comes to a close and the underwear is
tossed out into the room. One of London's most prominent collectors
leaves abruptly wearing the illegitimate underwear over his head.

Genetic Connections - Danette L. Anderson-Nelson,
R.N., B.S.N. and James Burke explain how adoptees'
lack of a genetic history caused, among other things,
the invention of the Twinkie and the war in Kosovo.

The Search for Bobby Fisher - Florence Fisher's sequel
to her first and only book details her search for her
fraternal twin brother, a chess prodigy who could
bring life back to ALMA, if only she could find him.

The Quayle Bastard Quarterly - successor to the
popular but defunct Bush-era 'zine, this time around
it focuses on the humor in President Quayle's ongoing
obsession with Mavis, Murphy Brown's nonmarital child.

Little Orphan Annie Does Dallas Ungrateful
adoptee follows in her slut birthmother’s footsteps.
Critics rave: “We told you so.”

Giving Away Simone et Gigi -- writer Colette, fallen on hard times after her
divorce from Willy, relinquishes her twin girls in a black-market adoption.
They are raised as courtesans by pimp Maurice Chevalier in a high-class
brothel whose secret password is "Thank Heaven for Little Girls."

Horton Hears a Family Secret The Whos come out of
hiding to tell the story. Horton, most faithful of
all elephants, is a late discovery adoptee.

Sequel: Revenge of Horton Late Discovery Adoptee,
Horton, lays egg and keeps baby! Read this incredible
tale of a birthfather who raises his young.

The Bad Seed Gone With the Wind Evil adoptee,
Rhoda, sets fire to Atlanta; pleads insanity. “The
genes made me do it,” she tells the jury. Rhoda
sentenced to life imprisonment in the maternity ward
of the Georgia State Penitentiary. As she’s dragged
out of court, she’s heard screaming, “I don’t know
nothin about birthin babies.”

Selections reviewed by Anita Field, Helen Hill, Cynthia Bertrand Holub, Tom C., Marlena Villers, Toff Phillippo, Pam Zaebst

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