FUQnA

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The Official Alt.Adoption F.U.Q. Fest

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Frequently Unasked Questions & Answers.

1. When was alt.adoption created?

    Alt.adoption dates from the rise of modern man. It is a concept not bound to any specific technology.

    When Moses was placed in his reed basket, alt.adoption was limited to heavy messages carved in wet clay tablets.

    When Gutenberg invented the Bible, alt.adoption was there, waiting to be printed.

    When letters traveled from town to town on horseback, alt.adoption traveled the post roads with them.

    When Western Union strung its lines across the face of North America and its cables over the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, alt.adoption traveled the primitive copper lines beneath and between the terse communiques of commerce.

    Alt.adoption's current manifestation is as transitory as its predecessors. Alt.adoption will endure as long as man.

2. Who reads alt.adoption?

    Virtually no one. One of its primary charms is that a person can write with complete assurance that no one will read more of the text than is required to trigger a one-liner or personal assault.

3. Who needs alt.adoption?

    Virtually everyone.

4. Who are the heroes of alt.adoption today?

    Another of alt.adoption's charms is that its participants have organized themselves into several distinct factions. As a result, anyone can become a hero in someone's eyes, if but for one brief, shining moment.

5. Why do people cross-post to alt.adoption?

    They do not have the courage to cross-dress.

6. Why are threads so long on alt.adoption?

    Because no horse is ever dead enough.

7. Why do so many people use pseudonyms on alt.adoption?

    Rare good sense.

8. Who are the most hated of those who post to alt.adoption?

    In the words of Tiny Tim, "God bless us, everyone."

9. How can I cancel my posts to alt.adoption?

    You can't. All posts are archived in San Diego, CA, under a grant from the G.W. Bush Foundation.

10. How can I avoid reading posts from people with whom I disagree?

    Over time, you will identify those whose opinions most disturb you. All newsreaders can be configured to block posts from specific addresses. This is known as "killfiling" or "plonking."

11. There seem to be a lot of lawyers posting to alt.adoption. Can I rely on them?

    That depends.

12. What is a facilitator?

    Someone who charges people who don't need a child an exhorbitant amount of money for introducing them to a woman who doesn't need to relinquish her child.

13. Why do people use facilitators?

    For the same reason people use double-ended dildos.

14. Do adoption professionals ever post to alt.adoption?

    Only in retirement.

15. What does O/T mean?

    Osmotic therapy.

16. Has anything of consequence ever come out of alt.adoption?

    Many people of consequence have left alt.adoption and gone on to successful careers in their chosen fields, with help from their local social services agencies.

17. I've tried to start a new thread, but no one responds. What is wrong?

    You, probably. Try one of the old stand-bys: "Looking to adopt", "My baby was stolen", and "Happy adoptee wonders WTF?" are just a few that are guaranteed to bring hundreds of replies.

18. Who is Don?

    The world's only truly happy adoptee.

19. What is Bastard Nation?

    An attitude.

20. What is Intelligent Design?

    Something sadly lacking in our universe.

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