Adoption Reunions that Went Bad

Reunited with a Junkie on Sally-Jesse Raphael by Michelle

I always knew of my "adoptee status". It was made clear to me in several special ways. I think the most original was when adoptive grandmother sat down thirty family members on the day she had decided to grace us with her death and had people stand up one at a time and hear what they would receive as a bequest at the time of her death. When it was my turn she said that she was Oh So Sorry, couldn't leave anything to Michelle because it was important to her that all of her belongings stay "in the Family". Nobody objected, or comforted me as I was officially "outed" from the family that had "chosen" me. However, EVERYONE objected when I began to search for my birthfamily. They regarded my need to find my "real" family as a sign of my disturbance. Well, duh.....Of course I was disturbed. And very alone.

Knowing that my birthmother had kept two of my brothers when she had attempted to sell me, I began looking earnestly for some clues. These clues took fifteen years and twenty thousand dollars to sort out and they led me to a reunion on the Sally Jesse Raphael Show with a 600 pound junkie who said she hated me. My existence had always been disturbing to her. She prayed daily for some kind of "retroactive abortion". And claimed she had no knowledge of what had happened to my brothers. In the three years following my reunion with her, our contact was limited to collect phone calls where she promised info in exchange for large amounts of money. I always complied, she always reneged. Then when she ran out of drugs I would receive collect phone calls where she would tell me of how she murdered my brothers and promise that I would receive the same someday, somehow... I bought dogs, fenced my property, installed security systems. Always traveled under an alias with a bodyguard. The FBI and sheriff's special investigation teams eventually became involved. I vowed that she would die in prison for the deaths of my brothers. This would be my retribution. Six months ago I received information that she had actually abandoned my brothers in San Antonio, TX. Several large companies, including 3M donated a dozen highway billboards to me and put my brothers baby pictures and my story on them, park and bustop benches were also donated. I launched a large press campaign and VOILA! A Miracle! I found my brothers alive and well in Houston and joyous to know me. Someone was finally grateful and happy that I existed.....This has been quite an adjustment.

I still receive the regular bi-monthly harassing calls from birth and adoptive family but am learning to take them in stride. And the comfort zone that I have found as far as my need for revenge is filled. I am happy in the knowledge that birth-monster saw live on TV my reunion with my brothers. That she heard them say how special I was and how they had no need for her. Ever. She will never go to a man-made prison, but until her death she will have to live in the one of her own making. Where the children she betrayed turned out well and happy, where they love each other and not her. Where we are good productive people and she is not. And where we have love and she sits alone in a dark house, STILL wondering why we have so much and she has naught.

Michelle

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The Rollercoaster Ride, an Update --- by Babs Barfbag

A year has gone by since my reunion with my birthparents. Although I'm still experiencing the ups and downs of the classic reunion rollercoaster, I have gained another perspective as I continue to ride the loop-to-loops.

The insight that I have discovered and I hope to pass along to you, is that I am not alone on this rollercoaster ride. I have many friends who have been there to support me in my despair and share in my joys. And there are others who have been deeply affected by my journey, as well. But unfortunately the sheer terror of the first several loops that we as adoptees usually come across can make it difficult for us to see and hear these other fearful riders, sitting in front and behind us on the rollercoaster: our adoptive family, our birthparents, our spouses and the extended family of our birthparents.

The fear of a second rejection (see "The Second Rejection" story) and the terror that this can touch in us goes very deep. The shock and hurt of being met with suspicion and shame for the first time in our lives is also a bitter pill to swallow. I wasn't even aware of how deep and intense these feelings had been for me, until I took a step back and read my painful "Rollercoaster Ride from Hell" email that I wrote several months ago.

So, as I sit here a year after my reunion, what would I do differently? Well, for one, I would have ensured that my hurt and anger wasn't displayed in a public forum. Sadly, my birthfather's family read the anonymous "Rollercoaster" email that I wrote during a particularly painful time in my reunion, and it has upset them very much. Although my intentions were to get my feelings out in a safe, private and cathartic way, the result has been that the love and acceptance that I have longed for, has now been pushed even further out of reach.

When I was in the depths of despair after meeting my gravely ill birthmother, my birthfather reached out to me and offered love and support and for this I will always be grateful. But along the way feelings were hurt. How I wish I could turn the clock back and learn to be more patient and to more fully understand his family's sensitivities. And how I wish that they could have understood the terror that their perceived rejection brought up in me. And how I wish that my birthfather knew just how precious his love is for me.

We all need to understand the potential for such miscommunication and deep emotions during reunion. I think it's naive for us to go into it all thinking that things will go smoothly, and that we will be welcomed with open arms. Although we may be kind, caring and worthy individuals, the press and the odd "horror story" have made many people cautious and leary. Sadly, the shame and secrecy of our origins still lurk in the shadows. Some birthparents' have buried the scars of relinquishment so deeply, that it is a painful proposition for them to even touch them. The intensity of reunions can bring up jealousy in spouses and adoptive families And our need to reconnect with our birthfamilies, to see our "hall of mirrors", can be intense and scary to our birthfamilies who have never experienced this void. We can try and clear up the misperceptions of our motivations, but in the meantime, we need to accept it as reality and not to take their apparent caution as an outright rejection (easier said than done, I know!)

In hindsight, I wish that I could have better understood my fear of a "second rejection", and had addressed it before embarking on the reunion journey. This may have been a pipe dream, as it was hidden deeply. And after facing a rejection from my birthmother, I was particularly sensitive to another in my birthfather reunion.

As my adoptee friend, Elizabeth, so emotively writes:

"Is it losing our Dads we are afraid of, or the fear of loss itself that makes us react to their silence with such terror? Thinking further, I realize it is not just simply a fear of loss, it is so much more. Personally, it is the fear of losing what is so precious, not just once, but twice. Our origins strand us beyond the reach of their protection, beyond the reach of their arms, beyond the bond of blood."

Reunions can be very painful undertakings, but with mutual understanding and respect, I believe, we can minimize the angst. I can only hope that through my experience, I can help others. And I hope that "found" birthfamilies find the courage to share their experience so that searching adoptees can learn from it.

And what about my birthfather reunion? Well, I hope and pray that my new insight and patience will bring more joy and less sorrow. And I hope that he and his family will find it in their hearts to understand my fear, hurt and anger and look beyond it to get to know the sensitive, loving (and sometimes over zealous) person that is underneath.

Abandoned and Confounded by Left Behind

I was more of an abandonment than an adoption, but the story is just as weird. Back in the 50's mom was a real party girl. He marriage to my father? lasted 18 months. Enter hubby #2, the ex-con. That lasted about 6 months longer. She walked out on him, me and my newborn half brother. Married #3, forgot to divorce #2 (details, details). Has little girl. The courts had given custody of my brother to an uncle, and me to grandma & grandpa. In 1962, mom decides that we should all be the "Waltons" and live as one big happy family. That lasted a year, when she booked for San Diego with a sailor, and bro and sis never to be seen again.

Fast forward 30 years to 1993. I have always wondered what ever became of my brother and sister, and had done some searching. Shoot, I knew a whole lot more than most adoptees knew, names, dates, SSN etc. No luck.

Out of the blue, I get a phone call from a young woman who believes she is my sister. Wow, my long lost half sister. Wrong - this is a different girl. She has a birth certificate (original) that lists mom and hubby #3. He still lives by me, and gave her my name. I share my info with her and within 24 hours, she finds mom.

Well, I really didn't want to see her that much, but was very interested in my brother and sister(s). I call my brother first, and he's thinking 'all right what's the scam?'. After talking for an hour he really starts to believe this is for real. Well, he talks to mom, and she calls me. I wasn't ready for that, but she offers to fly my wife and me 2,000 miles to see her.

Meanwhile, sister #2 has an intermediary call mom. Boy, does that go badly. She kept saying there must be some mistake, you have the wrong person, someone lied, stole #1 sister's birth certificate and copied the info., whoever gave birth in a hospital under an assumed name, and so on. Now sister #2 doesn't know what to think or do.

Back to my trip. Its really quite awkward. We get to meet brother and sister again, after 30 years. She had changed their last names. Also I found out I had two other brothers, one who died. We talk around a lot of issues, like WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME. She won't discuss it. It is a closed chapter in her book of life. It is my choice whether I want to be part of HER family.

My brother and I get along great, talk a lot on the phone, he's even come out here for a visit. Sister #1 believes everything mom says, and gets real defensive about her. Sister #2 is still in limbo, either a victim of second rejection, or someone that will have no way of ever finding bio-mom. Brother #2 is ok, but has been dominated by mom for so long, that he has moved away from her and stays only in casual contact. Brother #3 is the one who died. Too bad she never let me meet him. Being 2,000 miles away is bad for Bro and me, but keeps things between mom and me a nice distance apart.

By the way if anyone knows a cheap (free) DNA lab, my brothers and I are willing to help sis #2 prove or disprove whether she is part of the family, like she would want to be.

Left Behind

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