Adoptee Products Catalog

SILVER JEWELRY: Affirm your position as an adoptee with the metal long known for being second best. Silver jewelry cast as street urchins, puppydogs, and non-descript globs void of historical significance. $24.75

BEDTIME FAVORITES: Get this collector's edition of these all-time favorite adoptee stories. Includes the beautiful CHOSEN CHILD, and MY MOTHER LOVED ME SO MUCH SHE GAVE ME UP. Also contains the dramatic YOUR BIRTHPARENT'S CRASHED AND BURNED, as well as the suspense thriller BE GOOD OR WE'LL TAKE YOU BACK. These and many other stories you can read again and again in this beautifully bound volume. $39.95

FAMILY MEDICAL HISTORIES; Tired of not having answers to those embarrassing questions about family history? Here's the solution. Let a computer generate your most likely family medical history based on your actual height, weight, color, and blood type; or wow your doctor with Fashion Histories-prewritten, medical histories guaranteed to attract attention. $9.95

EAR PLUGS; Stop being a drag at adoptee family gatherings where family members cannot talk openly in your presence. Insert your sound-proof plugs and others will be certain you cannot hear a word. Now only $5.95

ADOPTEE ETIQUETTE; The definitive book on the subject. Includes such problem areas as how to deal with natural siblings, pretending it doesn't matter, and how to avoid being returned. 220 pages of invaluable information compiled by leading authorities. $14.95

ADOPTEE JEANS; Tired if privately feeling you don't fit in? Go Public! Announce to the world your displacement by wearing the jeans cut slightly wrong. You can fit by wearing the jeans that don't. $19.95

NATURAL SOUNDS; Actual recordings of natural families. Hear REAL children talk to REAL parents. Learn to simulate natural children. Features such everyday events as a natural family dinner, and going to the movies. You too can seem more like a natural child by listening to these recordings. Record or cassette available. $19.95

TOUCH UP; Adoptee cosmetics. Noted as different? Getting static from adoptee relatives about not resembling the family's natural children? End these problems today. This revolutionary new cosmetic line allows you to change your skin tone, hair color even eye color-Permanently! Yes, Permanently! Eradicate up to 20 hereditary physical characteristics forever with just one application. $49.95

FAMOUS CRASH PHOTOS: Spectacular photographs of fatal automobile, bus and airplane accidents. One of these could be the actual accident in which your birthparents perished. Choose your favorite from this set of twenty-five all-time great crash photographs. Capture the moment, save the memories. Only $27.50

THE BUYERS GUIDE TO BLACK MARKET BABIES; Determine your self worth by discovering your cost. This complete guide adjusts for regional differences and compensates for inflation. Also, a supply and demand index allows comparison between times of baby gluts and shortages. Imagine your joy at learning you would have sold for $20,000 to $30,000 at today's prices. A great confidence builder $17.50.

UNIVERSAL FLAGS: Celebrate your ancestral nationality with a beautiful flag. Each flag has a different country on each side and turns inside out to feature a total of four countries per flag. Play it safe with Flag #1 (Germany, France, England, Ireland);, go for broke with flag # 2 (Tibet, Peru, Kenya, Cambodia);, or hedge your bets with #3 (Austria, Poland, Sweden, Liberia). $43.75

TOMBSTONES: End your search today! Birthmother, birthfather, even build an extended family! These smartly styled stones weigh only sixty pounds so they can be easily moved with you when you change residence, and they feature ample room for names, dates, even an Epitaph. Buy them individually or get large discounts on twelve or more for spanning whole generations. $149/95

INFLATABLE SIBLINGS: Create your own family with these heavy-duty mannequins that come in various sizes, colors, and hair styles to resemble ANYONE'S natural relatives. Create a feeling of belonging by surrounding yourself with inflatable people who look like you.

SEX FOR ADOPTEES: Have you ever wondered what sex is like for non-adoptees? Here are the answers! Find out what non-adoptees do when they make love: what they think about, what they move, and when they move it. Learn from interviews of over 300 non-adoptees on everything you have always wondered about sex and many things you haven't. Learn to behave in bed like a natural person. Even learn to simulate a natural orgasm. $24.95

THE ILLEGITIMATES GUIDE TO UNWED MOTHERS HOMES: The most comprehensive guide on the market. Over 1200 listings with addresses, descriptions and photographs. Turn that routine vacation into a nostalgic adventure with a visit to the very place where your mother signed you away. $19.95

STAGHORN FERNS: The official adoptee plant. Grows anywhere. No soil needed. No roots. Minimal care required. $24.00

MICROSOFT TREE: Creates family trees for those who have none. Avoid those embarrassing moments when you or your child cannot produce a family tree. Style your tree to suit your needs with the help of America's software giant. Requires MS-DOS 2.0 with 512K RAM $49.95

TRIANGLE: The adoption game from HASBRO! Three to six players try to blame others and avoid responsibility as they struggle for integrity and fulfillment and to avoid "disruption". $14.95

HUMBLE PIE: Basic adoptee fare. 12 inch, deep dish pies. Bland, colorless, unappealing; but good for you. Eat anytime, but especially before visits to government and social agencies. Generic ingredients for generic people. Refrigeration not required. $8.50 each; 3 for $21.95

CONTEMPORAY ADOPTEE DANCE: Annoyed by those suspicious looks on the dance floor when someone suspects you are adopted? Fool your friends. Dance like natural people. Avoid those subtle ar, foot and hip movements that might give you away. 60 minute video cassette compares natural and adoptee movements and makes it easy to cover even the most subtle differences. Avoid forever those awkward moments when your partner suddenly suspects.$59.95

TELEPHONE DISCOUNTS: Save, save, save! We have arranged through AT&T for a special multiple-mother discount rates on calls home those with more than one mother. FREE WITH EACH PURCHASE