Adoptee Hospital Records: Final Excuses

REASONS YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR HOSPITAL RECORDS - OR - WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL A PAPER-PUSHER THAT YOU’RE ADOPTED

Excuses 301 - 365

The Bean:
301. We gave them to the agency -- they told us they would be safe.
302. Which birth -- your first birth, your second birth, or your third birth?
303. Mother wouldn't let us keep them.
Wendy R.:
304. Swear to God! this is what a clerk at one hospital told me, "Ohhh, I can't tell you that, THEN you'd KNOW who you were!!!". In the VERY next breath she said, "Well....... listen........ when you find your mother just have her write us and we'll forward your birth record to her."
Brian G.: 305. "I can get in alot of trouble for this you know.....but I appreciate your honesty so I'll tell only you...............I think I can "feel your pain". When I adopted a puppy once......Blah......Blah .Blah...
Joy Pearsall:
306. (Clerk) "Oh what the hell...it's my last day here! Meet me outside in 20 minutes and I'll give you EVERYONE'S RECORDS!!
307. Those records were stored offsite in a building we never went to. We finally went there and a bunch of homeless people were using your records as bedding. Boy are they a mess! (True).
308. Rats. No, I mean REAL rats ate holes in all your identifying information.
309. So jigzaw puzzles are cool---how about I send you a real mind blower.
310. Okay, now you say a name and I'll say either "hot" or "cold". Come on, it will be fun!
311. Yes, I do have your request form right here, ... but unfortunately due to the chance you may sue us for negligence we will not be releasing that information to anyone. Oops, I mean, no I have no record of you being born here. 312. We had only two babies born that day and we accidently-maybe switched them. But don't worry you've had a good life no matter where you were.
313. Oh yeah, I've heard about you. Click---Buzz Buzz Buzz...
314. We're sorry but the Hospital you are calling is not in service at this time. Please check the number and try your call again.
Paul L.
315. Laughing fish ate your records.
J. Mac.:
316. (I was actually told this!) "Mendocino Hospital? That's the mental institution. You must be an illusion. We get don't document the illusions. Take 2 valiums and see if you're still there in the morning."
317. "That hospital? Oh, that burned down last week. This is the new hospital with the same name at the same address, but we dont have the records from the hospital that was here last week."
318. "I'm sorry, we don't keep records by date. We do it by birth parent social security number. Give it to me and I will go find the file...."
319. "Oh yes! The birth records! Well, we destroy all copies of records as soon as a child is adopted, so they aren't here anymore. If there were any copies left, we have no idea where they would be. Why don't you ask your birthmother for them? I'm sure she has a copy."
320. "What do you mean the Freedom of Information Act says you can have those files?? I've never heard of a Freedom of Information Act..."
321. " Sorry, but those records are protected by the Doctor-Patient Privacy Act. The Doctor has to give permission to have them released. Unfortunately, he's on the PGA tour right now, so your going to have to call back next year."
Janine Baer:
What about historical quotations among the 365 reasons? (I'm re-reading my thesis, p. 112). It's not quite the same as the other excuses but maybe you could have an historical excuses section.
322. "If your child's natural mother made one error, then went on to live a blameless life, that's a disclosable fact. If she drifted on from bad to worse, might it not be kinder and less likely to start childish speculation running wild by letting her "death" be implied?"
-- Advice to adoptive parents, 1956, from How to Adopt a Child by Ernest and Frances Cady
Ray Lewis:
This is what North Carolina Legislator, Julia Howard said to Jackie Parker, an adoptee in NC when she was asking Ms. Howard to support our open records bill, House Bill# 1206:
323. "When you are adopted, you should understand the risks and learn to live with them."
324. "Hello, City Hospital.."
"Yes, I'd like to get my medical records. I'm an adoptee."
(clearing throat)"Se habla Espanol?"
Kellee Peters:
325. "Well, now, if your birth mother had wanted you to know that she would have told you wouldn't she?"
326. (This is what my grandma used to tell me when I said that I wanted something I couldn't have)
"Just wish in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up first!"
327. "City Hospital...No, I'm sorry, you need to call the Dept of Children's Services for that info."
"Children's Services...No, I'm sorry, you need to call the Probate Court Office for that."
"Probate Court...No, I'm sorry, you need to call City Hospital for that." etc., etc., etc.
328. "Where you came from? Oh that's easy-your parents got you from under a rock-now go crawl back under it and leave us alone!" CLICK
329. "We gave all those records to Chef Emeril Lagasse on the Food Network. You know that "Essence" he uses...? Well, guess what?"
330. "We charge a fee to release that information-do you have a large sharp knife? Good now...hold it up to your arm and..."
331. 'Sure I'll give you that information...NOT!"
332. "Yes I can release that information...and monkeys might fly out my butt!"
333. "I beg you pardon-you want what?! Marge-look outside and see if you see any pigs flying around out there."
334. "You're absolutely right...It must be some sort of conspiracy. Why don't you go call Oliver Stone"
335. "Here's a quarter-call someone who cares!"
Jewel X:
336. You were born in the same year as the JFK assasination, so the Warren comission subpoenaed your records, and the CIA hasn't declassified them yet.
337. ?

To add more excuses (we’re aiming for 365, remember) send them to fun@bastards.org .
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