Adoptee Hospital Records: Excuses

REASONS YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR HOSPITAL RECORDS - OR - WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL A PAPER-PUSHER THAT YOU'RE ADOPTED

Subject: Bastard Nation's Community Service Project
Newsgroup: alt.adoption
From: DeerWatson@aol.com

As Bastard Nation continues to grow - I think it is important that we attempt to make a contribution to our community. I would like to recommend targeting the medical records departments of all major hospitals. I thought it would be nice if we sent them a tastefully decorated and printed ADOPTEE EXCUSE OF THE DAY Calendar - that way - the person answering the phone need only glance down at the calendar when confronted by an adoptee and use whatever excuse coincides with that day of the month....
For example:

"Good morning , Medical Records, St Joseph Hospital ...This is Celesta speaking..."
" Hello, I would like to obtain a copy of my medical record from my admission at my birth."
"Oh, no problem....We can get that right out to you...what is your date of birth, sir?"
"I was born March 8, 1959"
"Okay...great...and what is your name?"
"uhhhhh"
"Sir...I just need your name and I will mail your record right out to you today.."
"well, ummm..you see...that is the problem...I don't ...."
"Sir! Are you an adoptee??!!!"
"Well, yes...yes, maam..I am..."
*Now Celesta need only glance down at her calender open to today's date.....*
"Oh...I am so sorry sir...but your medical record was destroyed by the great flood of 1959.....goodbye sir....."

This would be such a wonderful service - that we, as ungrateful bastards, could provide for medical records clerks across the nation..... Now, we just need 365 excuses - IT IS ALL UP TO YOU!!!!!!!!

Let's get started.....
1. Your records were destroyed in a fire.
Everyone join in!!!
Arnie writes:
2. A beaver ate them, right before we blew him up.
3. We have given your records to your bparents for safekeeping, contact them.
4. Have you seen the movie "TWISTER"?
5. Your amom, Celeste, has them......
6. We sent them overnight mail on the last ValuJet plane.
7. We already mailed the originals to you last month, and you signed for them.
keep going
Mark Cavalier writes:
>I am sorry to tell you that the information you requested is:
8. Not open (sealed)
9. Only accessible to your aparents.
10. Was destroyed just a few days ago.
11. Will be open for your inspection in 75 years.
12. Was washed away by the great hurricane.
13. All parties involved must agree to let you have it.
14. We can't tell you who all parties are until they agree to it.
15. The judge hates adoptees. (except at election time).
16. What is a manifesto? (mexican food or something?)
Kim at Pitt writes:
Excuses, excuses...
17. The filing cabinet is locked and we've lost the keys.
18. Your records no longer exist on paper - everything is now done on computer. Unfortunately, the system just hasn't been the same ever since a temp spilled one of those McDonald's Shamrock Shakes into the mainframe last March.
19. You need a court order.
20. It's not *my* decision.
21. Your records are filed under your name at birth, and since you don't know your name at birth, I don't know which name to look under.
22. David Copperfield made them disappear on his last special.
23. The dog ate your records.
craig anne:
24. It has become an X-FILE. The truth is out there.
Deru:
25. We had them stored on board Babylon-4 when it disappeared into Sector 14. Maybe Commander Sinclair can help you.
26. (In your best Kosh voice) "They are not for you."
27. Janeway's got 'em. You're screwed.
28. Well, we ran out of confetti at the last Staff New Year's party and...
29. Hmmm, they were last checked out by Dr. Frankenfurter. I'll try to phone him at his castle...
Elisa Barton:
30. Your lost mom and dad are your X-parents.
Leigh:
31: Hospital: I'm sorry but your records were destroyed on your 18th birthday.
Adoptee replies: But I was here when I was 17 and you said that I could not have them until after I turned 21.
Hospital: Uh, Oh, Uh...well who ever told you that was wrong and it's too late now so... Anyways, what's the matter with you, don't you love your aparents.
32. I'm sorry but if you cannot prove that you were born at this hospital because the name of the hospital is blanked out on your birth certificate then I cannot release this file I have in my hands right now that matches perfectly all the other information that you gave.
33. Please hold. ... (tell everyone in the office not to pick up line 3)
Ilene (countrymom):
34. We had a termite infestation and the hungry little devils ate your records.
35. My son used the backs of your records to do his homework on and then the dog ate them.
36. We were inputting them into our computer, destroyed the papers, and then, before we could create a backup copy, the system failed and all records were lost.
SS (Ungrateful Bastard):
37. Your records er... um have been hijacked by little green men.
38. We can't find your records 'cuz... well, we just can't.
39. Records, what records?
40. You not only need a court order, but you gotta catch us on a good day or we'll give you some other lame brained excuse.
Cheri Freeman:
41. "The records you requested are currently stored in boxes which have been used to build walls in our office. Files drawers stand on either side of these walls and cannot be moved, therefore, we cannot grant your request at this time." TRUE STORY!
Steve White:
Since this is about hospitals, I thought I would chime in:
42. Whatever makes you think we're here to help anyone?
43. No, sorry, I'm the janitor. The file clerks are on break. I haven't seen them this month.
44. The person who does that no longer works here, and we don't have a replacement yet due to the 5 year hiring freeze -- damned HMOs!
45. Those files were in the old hospital building which was torn down.
46. Certainly sir/maam, just as soon as you pay the hospital bill for your birth expenses all those years ago, with accumulated interest.
47. The doctor who delivered you has these records, and he's dead.
48. Whooops! Code-blue! I have to go NOW!
49. (if the caller is a woman) Certainly, but we need a semen specimen from you to confirm your identity.
50. (if the caller is a man) Certainly, but we need a cervical swab from you to confirm your identity.
And my favorite:
51. We just shipped your records to the original country of your origin.
Michael Buckellew:
52. We put the records on microfilm and they haven't come back from the 52 Film Developer yet, but we expect them any year now!
53. The attorney handling that case has all of those records, let's see,
54. hmmm, it looks like a Mr. Vince Foster has them. Please call him about it.
Damsel Plum:
55. Your signature must be notarized.
56. You have to give us your mother's name at the time of birth.
57. Your name doesn't match the name on the records.
58. Send us a check for $50.00 and we will get to work on it.
59. We don't provide records to adoptees.
60. There was a really cute stray puppy we were keeping in here sometime last year. We needed some papers to line the room where he was staying so he wouldn't do his business right on the floor and well...
Unknown:
61.The wing of the hospital closed several years ago and all records are now missing.
62. Our records administrator was taking them to be mailed to you. We don't know where he or your records are. He has Alzheimer's disease - wanders and forgets things.
63. The records were put in a special burglar proof indestructible vault and the combination to it has been lost.
Tricia:
: 64. "Our records were transferred to computer a few years ago, but many of them were lost or destroyed in the process, including the ones from the year that you were born."
aka Smithhh:
The information you have requested (check as many as apply):
65. ( ) Is a secret.
66. ( ) May be revealed to faceless bureaucrats, but not to you.
67. ( ) Is none of your business.
68 ( ) Was lost in a fire/flood/civil disturbance.
69. ( ) Was destroyed when the lawyer who took care of the matter died.
70. ( ) Was destroyed after ten years, like all of our records.
71. ( ) Was given to your adoptive parents when your adoption became final, and no other copies can be issued.
72. ( ) Was false to begin with, and so will be of no use to you should you obtain it.
73. ( ) Is the property of this agency.
74. ( ) Can be discussed only with our original clients, the adoptive parents, and should they happen to be dead, that's too damn bad.
75. ( ) Died in a car crash.
76. ( ) Is the property of another government with whom we no longer maintain diplomatic relations.
77. ( ) Was the property of another country's previous government, and was destroyed in the coup-d'etat.
78. ( ) Will cost you three thousand dollars.
79. ( ) Will take this agency three years to compile.
80. ( ) Is information you gave away all right to years ago, when you signed those papers, and you should be ashamed of yourself for asking.
81. ( ) Could not be found. Perhaps the file is missing. Sorry.
Paula Ross:
82. " Born? You were not born, you were adopted! "
83. During a renovation project for the Forum Building the entire building was contaminated with lead paint dust. While the rest of the building remained open during the abatement process, contamination in our restricted book stacks was discovered to be above safe levels and the stacks were closed to everyone.
84. Lightening struck that section of the hospital where the records were kept and they were all incinerated.
85. They were recycled into Duralogs during an environmental awareness period our administration was going through.
86. We have no record of your being born here.
87. The clerk had a severe attack of depression and ... used all the papers as tissues and wrapped herself up in all the microfilm and submerged herself in hot water thinking they were "spa health wrap" material.
Mark (rpu @gnn.com)
88. Records? We don't have no stinking records.
Karen Gould:
89. Since implementation of cost-cutting measures imposed upon us by the Reagan administration, several measures have been taken to reduce costs at all government facilities. Details of such measures are not available but let's just say toilet paper ain't cheap!
90. Well, we could tell you - but then we'd have to kill you.
91. Your birthfather swore us to secrecy so you wouldn't come after all his money, or worse yet, Windsor Castle.
92. Those records can be released upon your death. If you are, indeed, deceased, please provide a death certificate matching the name on your birth certificate.
93. We'll be happy to release that information upon written request from your birth mother. (TRUE)
94. If she didn't want anything to do with you then, what makes you think she wants anything to do with you now? (TRUE - well, ok, it wasn't a person who could actually get to the records anyway.)
95. Your birthmother doesn't want to share Graceland with you, so we can't tell you who she is.
96. Don't be ridiculous. You died at birth. It says so right here...
97. Those records were taken by the FBI. An agent named Scully signed for them.
98. You need clearance from the Atomic Energy Commission to receive that information.
99. You are in a witness protection program, and I can't tell you who you are. In fact, I'm not speaking to you right now.
100. We had a problem with the ink that year--it disappeared from the records before they could be computerized.
The next 100 excuses

To add more excuses (we're aiming for 365, remember) send them to fun@bastards.org .
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