REASONS YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR HOSPITAL RECORDS - OR - WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL A PAPER-PUSHER THAT YOU’RE ADOPTED
Lori Pringle
101. (In the voice of the blonde girl on Mad TV) Records, well I
just happen to have them right here in front of me, yes I sure
do! But, y'know WHAT? UH UH! Bye bye now!
102. Well, actually, we're not allowed to release that
information to adoptees under any circumstances. (Terret's
Syndrome -) Five thousand dollars.
103. Sure, we'll give you your birth records. I know you live
3000 miles away, but you'll have to come here in person, and
bring your original long form birth certificate, three pieces of
photo-id, legal proof of any name changes, and a cheque for $50.
104. - Sorry, but our heater broke down last winter when it was
minus 80 degrees outside. We had to burn all our old paperwork to
keep warm.
105. I'm sorry, but our file clerk is away on a five year
sabbatical in Africa. And since she's a member of the union, I
can't take any work away from her. Sorry.
106. Oh, well, I'll just read your records to you right now.
Ahem... "(Insert Birth date here). Bastard." No,
REALLY. That's all it says!
107. Okay, here's what your records say... JUST KIDDING! I wasn't
really going to tell you!
108. I'm sorry. But if you wanted your records so damn badly, you
should have taken them with you when you left the hospital.
109. We're not allowed to give records out to adoptees. Know how
I know you're adopted? You gave us the wrong birth date for
yourself. Ha ha ha ha ha. What kind of dumb bastard doesn't know
her own birth date? Ha ha ha.
110. Sure, we can get you your records. But first, yonhave to
show us an original birth certificate, eight pieces of photo-id,
security clearance from NASA, the CIA, and the FBI, three letters
of reference from psychoanalysts to prove you're not insane or
unstable, a complete list of every address you've ever lived at,
every employer you're ever worked for, and every association you
belong to. Once we've verified that you check out okay - this
will only take about 25 years what with the waiting period and
all - we have to request your records from a storage facility on
Mars, and then your records will be out to you in approximately
twelve light years.
S.L. Forest:
111. We'll need your footprints to compare to the records before
we can even consider looking for them.
112. I'm sorry by it seems your records were mistakenly put into
the pile of paper the administrative assistant used to test the
new paper shredder.
113. Oh my, those records have been sent to the preventive
genetics study program at Marduke University. They'll be doing a
follow-up later this year. What's your address?
O.S. Moses:
114. Your identical twin who was not relinquished has them.
115. It's none of your business.
116. We are waiting for approval from the NCFA before we release
them.
117. They were placed in a time capsule that is embedded in the
corner of Bill Pierce's house.
118. They are written in English and we are translating them for
our file clerk who is from Paraguay. We'll forward them to you as
soon as she passes her course on English as a second language.
119. They were sent to you but the post office must have lost
them.
Dixie LaPierre:
120. When unwed mothers came here years ago, we did not keep
records for their privacy, sorry.
121. We can only release non identifying info about you, and you
were fine. There's your info.
122.Your bio-mother requested we not contact her.
123.The agency has the records.
124.The doctor that delivered you sent the records with your
adoptive parents. Obviously they do not want you to know.
125.The records are stored in a warehouse 12 states away from
here- guess which way and which state?
126.Those records mildewed and we had to throw them out because
OSHA said it was a health hazard.
127. The records? What records? There are no records.
128.Let me transfer you to adoption losers.
129.Name at time of birth?
130.Name of Parents?
131.Name of the doctor?
132.Mother's maiden name?
133.We will need the address of your mom at the time of the
delivery.
134.Oh...adopted....well...those files were being stored, and
then there was a fire there in the basement, and then there was a
flood from the sprinkler system, and then there was mold and then
there was OSHA and then we disposed of them and then we picked up
the phone.... NEXT!!!!!
Jennifer Cooklin (ISO birthfamily born 9-15-70 in Cincinnatti,
Ohio)
135.Well you see it's like this... your a-mother Celesta has them
locked behind a door with you severly ADHD brother... but it is
just to keep you out.
136. Call the court that handled the case they should have your
info.
I called the court and they don't have it..... under this name
that name or my aparents name or my birthdate....
Did you try having the court look under you bmothers name?
137. The state registry could get the info you have..... call
them
I called them and all they said was yes I was born.
Did you register?
They said I couldn't register. I had to petition the court to
open the files that they don't have and then pay them 50 dollars
to release that information to the registry.
Well your birthmom can register.
138 Call the agency.....
What agency.....?
The agency that is in your court records.
139. Try the lawyer that handled the case......
The one that is in the court records?
Yes, that's the one!!!! he could help you.
140. "Hi I'm the idiotic machine that belongs to the idiot
that has 365 reason that you can't have your records...... You'll
never get to me so I can tell you no you can't have your own
records about your own medical history or treatment... but leave
a message at the court and I'll get back to you."
Gavi
141. Social Worker: Oh yes, I have it right here...(eyes roll
upward while reaching for form letter 632:"Nosy Bastards Who
Can't Leave Well Enough Alone") Ok. Let's see. Your doctor's
name is Eminen T. Domain, the lawyer's name is M. Alfie Zants,
your mother's name is Mora L. Turpitude, and your father's name
is N. Rem. Always remember, the laws were created for _your_
protection. Good Luck!
Beda Warrick:
142. Your records are not available due to microfilm erosion
(they really told me this!!!:-p)
143. I'm sorry, but your birth is none of your business.
Mark:
144. You want what!?!?!?! (lots of laughter)
Shea:
145. The Cigarette-Smoking man transferred those files to a
digital tape and stuffed it up Krycek's anus right before he was
locked in the radioactive missile silo.
146. We recycled them to make tennis shoes for underprivileged
children who are GRATEFUL to HAVE them!
147. Bill Pierce has used them to insulate his attic.
Lori Pringle:
Genuine Excuses from the U. of A. Hospital in Edmonton (names
changed):
148.Hi. This is Celesta. You'll have to talk to Nancy about that,
because I don't know anything about it, and she's out for lunch
right now. - when you call back... Hi. This is Nancy. You'll have
to speak to Celeste about that, because I don't know anything
about it.
149. Oh, you were _adopted_? Well, we can't send you anything
then.
150.Why do you want your records?
151.What information... I mean, what EXACTLY is it that you want
to know from your birth records? I mean, WHY on earth would you
want something so old?
152.Well, it was put into the mail MONTHS ago. It must have
gotten lost.
153.I know we sent it to you, because it says so right here. But
what's your address, because we don't have it. 154.Adoptee - By
law, you have to give me my birth records.
Celesta - No, we have to give the _patient_ their records. And
since you can't prove you are the patient, you can't have them.
Adoptee - But I GAVE you proof of who I am. You have copies of my
adoption records.
Celesta - According to your birth certificate, you are not the
patient. And since adoption records are sealed, we have no way of
verifying that yours are genuine.
155. Celesta - Okay, I've now been told that you CAN have your
birth records - IF your birth mother will come down here and sign
a waiver.
Adoptee - My birth mother committed suicide six years ago,
because she couldn't handle not knowing where her children were.
Celesta - Well, like I said, we still need her consent.
Adoptee - I told you, she's DEAD! Do you want _proof_? I can get
you proof.
Celesta - Um... talk to Nancy... I can't help you. - click
156. Well, I know we already sent them, but okay... we'll send
them _again_. You should have them by early next week (snicker,
snicker).
Damsel Plum:
157. A dangerous fungus grew on them and we had to have them
fumigated. In the fumigation process, many were disintegrated. I
am sorry to inform you that yours were among the fungus-ridden
and disintegrated.
Jean the Bean:
158. Oh, sure -- I have your birthmother's last name right here
on this baby ID bracelet... no, wait... dang! I can't seem to
scrape off this darn price tag!
159. (Actual quote from the Boston registry of births:)
"Those records were destroyed. But you can get a court order
to see them."
160. Well, we really *wanted* to keep your records, but we
thought it would be better for *you* if we sent them down a river
in an unmarked bottle.
161. You want your records? Let me ask *you* something. Don't you
love your parents, or what?
162. Oh, your *records*? We aborted them.
D.C. Wilson
163. Perfect one for Feb. 29 birthday people:
Celeste: Well, according to our records, you were born on
February 29, so you'll be eligible to view them when you turn 21.
Adoptee: I'm 25 now.
Celeste: Not according to our records. They say you're only 6.
You've still got 15 more birthdays to celebrate (smirk)
Dana Boggs:
164. Do you have your receipt?
165. I'd give your records to you but someone has wrapped them
all up in red tape and I can't seem to cut through it.
166. Rod Serling already picked them up.
167. Talk to the hand.
168. Our records show that we don't have any record of your
records.
169. Do you have any proof that you were born?
170. Yours is a broken record.
Katherine Brower:
171. Diseases, miss?? Well....(smirk) we can certainly see why
you would be afraid of "diseases".... but considering
your age you are in no immediate danger of dying from anything
that your birth mother would have contributed to!!
172. Records?? Considering your status, the only record you are
entitled to is something by Motley Crue. (punchline: Motley
Crue's single Bastard)
173. We most certainly understand the need for you to know where
you came from. The stork brought you!!
174. Two words: Non existent!
175. (This can be universally applied to any government
agency/medical facility) Will you look at that honey, my computer
terminal just crashed. Must be all the adoptees trying to access
their records!! Overloads the system with unnecessary traffic!! I
better go find someone who can lie to your face a little bit
better than I can.
176. I just work here.
Gavi:
177. Oh, the adoption worker who was holding your file followed a
herd of other adoption workers off a cliff. It was tragic. Sorry.
178. Well now, if you'd be willing to contribute to society by
signing up for our cryogenics experiment, we'd be happy to match
your DNA to that of your parents. That is, when we are fully
capable of it, say in, oh, 2050.
179. Records? Yes, you have reached a recording. (Click.)
180. Records? RECORDS? Excuse me, but have you heard of
_recycling_, or are you not from this century?
180. Apparently you don't understand why you were adopted.
Adoptees always come from parents where the mother was a slut and
the father was a lay-about dog with no future. Do these sound
like people who leave reliable information? I suggest your next
call be to your adoptive parents, expressing how _grateful_ you
are that they took you in.
181. Oh, apparently you haven't been keeping up with
"Journal of Higher Education." All adoptee records are
now in the hands of a sociology professor who is doing a study
promoting the return of orphanages and workcamps. You're
obviously another unhappy adoptee. It's people like you who
confirm his theory. Perhaps if you applied for graduate school at
his university and were accepted under his mentorship, you could
see your records.
182. Oh yes, we sent it by pigeon to your adoptive parents a few
years ago. Now, um, remember how Bert on Sesame Street loved
pigeons? (You're an eternal child like the rest of the adoptees,
aren't you?) Well, unfortunately, it was around the time of the
Bert-and-Ernie-are-homosexuals-rumor scandal, and the delivery
pigeon was shot down. Bye now.
Mari Steed:
183. "Due to the considerable amount of time which has
passed, we no longer have your records. We just don't keep older
things." (ACTUAL EXCUSE!)
Brian Moulton:
184. The truth of the matter is you are a clone and have no
"parents"
185. Ahh we have been waiting for you to contact us, you were
part of a secret military project to create a "master"
race, but unfortunately you were "inferior" and marked
for termination at birth, please report to our offices at ...
L. Rayner
186. Hmmm...that's funny. They don't seem to be here. Perhaps we
already sent them to you. Are you sure you don't have them?
Midnight:
187. Unfortunately your record has been recorded over. However,
if you would like to view the season finale of "Days of our
Lives", we would be happy to send it to you.
188. Your record is on vinyl and we can't find a record player
anywhere.
189. We don't have your record -- however, we DO have your
8-track..
190. You have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness. Your record will not bring you happiness. Therefore,
we are terminating your pursuit of it, thus ensuring your
emotional glee. Aren't we nice?
191. Your record was signed with disappearing ink. The expensive
kind.
192. The Doctor signing your record had Parkinson's disease, so
everything written on it is illegible.
193. It's all on a computer, but the county hasn't given us the
funds for monitors.
194. I'm sorry sir, but it's in Braille.
195. Because your birth record was an illegal abortion, it is
confidential.
196. Birth certificate, death certificate -- is there really a
difference?
197. Why don't I just get you your death certificate instead ...
198. Because your original birth name is an expletive, it has
been censored from our records.
199. If I told you that you were Bill Clinton's illegitimate son,
I'd have to kill you.
200. You call and they say, "We'll send it to you."
Weeks later you receive a letter reading as follows: "Dear
Bastard: Enclosed is the bill for searching our records. The
search was successful. Thank you. Sincerely, Bastard Hospital.
P.S. I would have enclosed the birth certificate but I just
sealed the envelope."
To add more excuses (we’re aiming for 365, remember) send
them to fun@bastards.org .
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