REASONS YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR HOSPITAL RECORDS - OR - WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL A PAPER-PUSHER THAT YOU’RE ADOPTED
Midnight:
201.: Ask your "inner-child".
202. If a birth certificate fell in the woods and on a bastard,
would it make a sound?
203. Your certificate is filed by number. Sing all the numbers
above one. When the song is over, that's the number of your birth
certificate.
204. Birth certificates are filed by number, and yours is the
square root of a negative number.
205. They tell you that you can get your certificate on
www.sex.com in hopes that you become distracted.
206. It will cost one million Pepsi Points.
207. "The King" doesn't want you to see the records.
(You're not sure if they're talking about Jesus Christ or Elvis
Presley!)
208. Before we can mail it we need to stamp "UNAUTHORIZED --
NOT VAILD FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSES" onto it and we just
ran out of ink.
209. They tell you that the phone and electricity just went out;
then they hang up.
210. They tell you to collect a sperm sample and bring it to a
certain address. When you arrive, you find yourself in the office
of the COOL WHIP plant.
211. You don't need your birth certificate because you're good
enough, you're smart enough, and, dog-gone-it, people like you!
212. Upon your request, you're switched to another line, where a
deep, monotonous voice begins questioning you about a
"grassy knoll" ...
213. When you say, "Give me certificate or give me
death!", they transfer you to a doctor named Kevorkian ...
214. The information on your birth certificate has been sealed by
a court order because you were delivered by Satan.
215. Stop wasting your time because the end is near ... repent
sinner!
216. You have a better chance in the afterlife.
217. Your birth certificate was gassed to death in what looked
like an ordinary shower.
218. When you ask them about your roots, they ask if you're a
natural blonde.
219. When you ask them about your past, they ask you about your
future and Attachment Converted: c:\eudora\attach\sales pitch for
Mutual Life Insurance Retirement Plan. certificate to find out
where *I* came from!" they say, "Okay," and hang
up.
220. Your birth certificate is on an "astral plane."
221. They ask for your serial number to make sure you're not
stolen.
222. Call yourself using a phone that has caller ID -- then
you'll know who you are!
223. When you ask them who you are, they refer you to a
psychiatrist.
224. Your certificate is in a very important meeting right now
with some big clients and will have to get back to you.
225. Your certificate was the sixth kid on the block, and
disappeared with the rest of them.
226. They inform you your birthplace is Roswell and give you no
further information.
227. We aren't taking calls right now because we're too busy
burning birth certificates just to keep warm.
228. Your certificate made an improvised diaper for a baby that
was left at their doorstep.
229. They tell you their nose just started bleeding, and will
have to let you go.
230. They tell you that you don't need a family when there's
Barney! "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family
..."
Alsago:
231. "Your b father must sign authorization for you to have
this information."
Adoptee: "But he's deceased !"
Reply: "I'm sorry, but our policy says we must have his
permission."
Summerstr:
232. This was actually said to me:
"Well I'm an adoptive mother and I KNOW you won't need those
records, there's nothing in those records that you need to know
or that can do you any good."
SLForest:
233. Oh, yes, adoption records. Those are in the indestructible
records vault with the indestructible locked doors--security,
don't you know. Unfortunately the indestructible doors are jammed
and no one has a clue how to unjam them.
234. We have it on good authority from Social Security records
that your birth mother is dead, and if she didn't tell you what
you want to know then we certainly aren't going to. It just
wouldn't be right.
235. Well, we did get your bare footprints in the mail. You
certainly have grown! I don't think our expert print matcher has
had any luck so far. Sorry.
Dixie:
236. Stupid Hospital Personnel(SHP) : "Well, we would
release the records to you, but to safeguard everyones' privacy,
we wait until the birthparents are deceased."
Adoptee: "How do you know if she is deceased?"
SHP : "Have you never heard of the obituary section?"
Adoptee: "What if they moved out of the city?"
SHP: "Well, if they do not want to be found, their move does
make that opening of your records difficult, right?"
Adoptee: "But I want to find them while they are still
alive."
SHP: "That is against hospital policy."
Adoptee: "Then why do you even offer to give out any
information about me at all even after they are dead?"
SHP: "You know, you have a good point. I think I will bring
it up to the next staff meeting that we stop helping out adoption
issues at all. That woud sure save a lot of time. Good Day."
Click
Gavi:
237. When were you born? Oh, yes -- we were still doing radiation
experiments on you orphans back then. Your birth certificate was
kept in the room with you, but don't worry -- it's safely buried
underground now.
238. Medical records? Well, I can tell you for free that you're
sick in the head.
239. You weren't born. You were reincarnated.
240. Your birthmom is Catholic, and she wrote that you were
immaculately concieved. Lucky you! Go ask your birthdad for more
information.
241. The clerk who was holding your file spontaneously combusted.
242. Your birthmom was so afraid that she faked her name _and_
your father's, so you wouldn't learn anything anyway.
243. Oh, they're rich and famous, so even if the laws change,
you'll still never know. What are you -- some golddigger?!
244. First, we'd like you to come to our office and show us the
"born on" date we tattooed on your ass. Ha, ha! Just
kidding. We don't have to tell you a damn thing.
245. We sent it to your birthfather when he was up in the
Himalayas contemplating his identity. He hallucinated from the
lack of oxygen, and we haven't heard from him since.
246. *I* don't have to look at _my_ birth certificate to know who
_I_ am. Seek counseling.
247. The parents who paid good money for you! ---*That's* who
your parents are!
248. The agency was running low on Healthy White Infants, so they
fertilized anonymous eggs with anonymous sperm and paid college
students to be surrogate moms. So, technically, the agency is
your only birthparent.
249. Oh, you're of age now, so I can tell you -- you were part of
a control group. You were just _told_ you were adopted. So, how's
it felt thinking you were a bastard? Your comments are important
for our study.
250. You were born on an army base. The only parent you need to
know about is Uncle Sam.
251. Oh, yes, we have a roulette wheel here for just these type
of calls. We get so many, we decided to give you a chance. If
your number wins, we go ahead and...whoops! Here comes the boss.
(click)
252. We have no record of you, Ma'am; so, basically, you don't
exist. Is this some type of prank call?
253. I can't provide that information. But, I have a friend who
can channel the spirits of your birth great-grandparents. That
should tell you something.
254. Well, if you think you can pick them out by their pictures,
we might be able to get around the law. You only get one chance,
though.
255. There was only one certificate, so the agency could save
money, and we already gave it to your twin. No, there's no
mistake...oh, you're right, sorry. You were triplets.
256. You know everything you need to know from just looking in
the mirror, and pursuing your interests. What do you need a silly
piece of paper for?
257. You say that you're frustrated? That there are even cats and
dogs with more family history that you? Well, the mutts don't
have any...hello? 258. We'll stop treating you like a child when
you stop acting like one. It's time you grow up and accept the
parents that raised you.
259. As far as we can tell, your parents were aliens. No, not
immigrants -- from outer space. If you want any more information,
you'll have to contact the FBI.
260. Your birthmom got kind of upset when we asked her how much
she thought you were worth. It was just standard procedure.
Anyway, she ran off crying before we could get her name.
261. It says here your birthparents were Chinese. You don't speak
Mandarin or Cantonese, so there must be some mistake.
262. If I told you, you'd just be more confused. One family is
enough for anyone.
263. You descended from a bastard clan of South Bastardland.
Never heard of it? Well, that island is now a protectorate under
a different country, which we cannot disclose, and they have your
records. I can't tell you government business, but I think we're
about to go to war with them.
264. Well, I can't tell you that, but I will read you your
astrological chart for a mere $3.00 a minute.
265. (Texans only) Adoptive uncle Gov. Bush has a taste for
tobacco rolled in birth certificates. The adoptee certificates
were just sitting around collecting dust, so...
266. You just want the info so you can hunt down your
birthparents and make them feel guilty. Nothing doing.
267. I can tell you this -- your birthmom claimed specific Native
American heritage, but she didn't have family records to register
with her tribe, so...you can feel a common bond, in spirit.
268. Your mother got pregnant from swimming in a public pool. We
didn't keep her name.
269. None of us really
know who we are, do we? 270. Look, I'm a government clerk, not a
psychologist. I think you have the wrong number, if you know what
I mean.
271. Your records were written in a special ink that vanished on
the day your birthmom relinquished you.
Jonathan Duluth
272. Adopted? Those records are file by original birthname. What
was that again?
273.I'm sorry. You need the judge that signed your adoption to
sign off on it... He retired fifteen years ago.
274. Bill Pierce has adopted those records. You'll need his
permission.
275. Ah yes; Adoptee 24601 - let me see. Here we are! It seems
that you are an ungrateful little bastard. We can't provide
records to your kind.
Helen Hill:
276. You adopted people are incredibly shallow. If you go back
and read your Einstein, you'd understand that all is
"relative" in a space-time continuum. Now if you'll
excuse me, I have a luncheon date with my great aunt, we're
working out an extensive family tree that dates back to the
Mayflower. It's going to be bound in leather with raised gold
letters.
Susan Buda:
277. (In response to an adult adoptee) "According to our
records, you are an adopted INFANT/CHILD, you must be at least 18
to request any legal documents.
slforest
278. Yes, that's one of our file numbers, but it says
"Private adoption, attorney (name unavailable) filed in
small claims court for final installment of payment; judgment was
never paid to his office. Records discarded after write-off for
bad debt." So you're not only a bastard, it's seems you're a
cheap one as well and so are your so-called adoptive parents.
Glad to be of help.
Kathleen Marangos:
279. We put your records under the code name that we assigned to
your sinner-mother for her own good. The sister who knew all the
codes died.
Sissy:
280. The records from the year that you were born were all
destroyed. What year were you born? 281. I'm sorry, but I only
have half a brain, so I can only give you half the information.
Yes, you were born. 282. You want to know what??? (evil laughter
heard over the speaker phone)
Gavi:
283. What is your name again? Oh, my! You mean I'm speaking to
_The_ Truck-Stop Dumpster Baby of North Falls, Iowa? (Hey Joanne!
I've got the Dumpster Baby on the phone!) What? Of course you
knew that, silly! You're _famous_!
284. Good News! We are now able to tell you the names of your
relatives that existed just before the records were sealed by
government statute. Of course, it's up to you to trace your
heritage from there.
Dave P. (Capn' Koala)
285. "I was told "those records are your mothers. She
was the patient not you."
TRUE!:
286. A major water main was broken in downtown chicago on Sunday.
Among the buildings flooded were the storage areas for health and
human services where birth Certificates have been stored since
1910. So now they have another excuse. The records will be freeze
dried and should ok. Be Aware.
Ray Lewis:
287. This is what NC Legislator, Julia Howard said to Jackie
Parker, an adoptee in NC when she was asking Ms. Howard to
support our open records bill, House Bill#1206.
"When you are adopted, you should understand the risks and
learn to live with them"
Miss M.:
288. I've heard this from more than one source, so it must be
true (in reference to NY State -- not sure what department):
I'm the only one in the office, and I'm three years behind!
Or what happened when both my mother and my brother walked side
by side to the county courthouse:
Mom: I put this child up for adoption, and we recently found each
other. I'd like the records opened up so that we can compare
notes and make sure he really is my son.
The court: Sorry ma'am, but we can't help you.
SNIPPET50:
289. I'm sorry sir, but all records for the State of Florida were
destroyed during Hurricane Andrew on Aug. 24th 1992. ( we all
know, Andrew only hit hard in the greater Miami area)
Carlene Blair:
290. You know that guy Xavier who created the Cabbage Patch Kids?
Well one day he called to inform us that he had run out of names
for his dolls. Well, we felt sorry for him and decided to give
him all of our old files of births here...... Yours was one of
them..........
Nikki:
291. YOU want records?! What about MY needs!
292. K, here's the thing...you are not_actually_alive... Because
you do not really_exist_we are not_actually_ having this
conversation. Bye-now!
293. All righty then...and you said your birthday was in 1970? Ah
yes, here it is...Says something about your parents meeting in
the summer of love...product of free love...blah,blah,blah....
Father was...good-heavens, Mr. Charles Manson! Now do
you_really_want to go and open up THAT can of worms?
294: Hold please. (15 minutes/$20.00 later)...and you were
holding for? Oh, It's YOU...please hold. (another hour, another
$50.00 to AT&T)...and you were holding for? Uhh...let me
transfer you. (tick,tock) Thank you for holding...and you are?
*Shit* Look you little ingrate don't you know how busy we are
here? I've got a mound of files for all the legitimate babies too
ya know?!
295. (Mexican accent) Records? We ain't got no stinking Records!
296. Okay, all I need from you is the actual umbilical cord
severed on the day of your birth to process the material you've
requested...
297. Says here you were just *found* in a patient's lime jello
one afternoon...
The Bean:
"Hello, county hospital? Do you have my birth records?"
298. We relinquished them.
299. "Love" means never having to say, "I'm
Mommy."
300. There will be no returns allowed without a receipt
To add more excuses (we’re aiming for 365, remember) send
them to fun@bastards.org .
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